I believe in a heaven I’ll never enter.
Yes, I believe in a heaven for all dogdom
where my dog waits for my arrival
waving his fan-like tail in friendship.
~Pablo Neruda, My dog has died
On the eve of Ruskin Bond’s birthday, Kaalicharan died. 14 winters young, she exhaled for the very last time, late last night. She didn’t push the daisies or kick the bucket but died. No euphemism can conjure, conceal or cure this pain.
Far off in the bleakness of a summer night in Delhi, I heard her last cries – the muffled barks, so unlike her. And the clock hasn’t been normal since. The cruel hours wouldn’t just pass. It is all quiet in the cold cellars of my heart. And once every few seconds, pain plays a cacophony I can’t bear.
When you lose your dog…the outside world moves on as if nothing happened.
With a calm indifference, the pines and the berries, and the gurgling Gola river were all the same as Kaalicharan was laid to rest near Rusty’s shrine. The twin rosebuds from Rusty’s resting place caressing the wind to greet her little sister. The cruel hands of May, took in turns, both my furry friends.
And everyone keeps reminding me of the long happy life Kaali led. They say that I of all people, the Dog with Blog guy should know how to handle this grief. But I know no better. It feels as if my life force, the elixir has left me. Like mercury in May, this pain in my throat shoots up to the center of my head and wouldn’t just die.
14 years, truly is a remarkable life span for a huge mountain dog-like Kaali. But why it can’t be 30, wasn’t there a dog who lived that long? What do you lose when you lose your dog to death? Is it just your composure or an entire childhood melting away like an ice cream scoop in the midday sun?
I don’t have pictures from Kaali’s pup days when my father rescued her from a garage. Her proud dark face with a snow-white French cut looked at everything around cautiously. How I hid her in my denim jacket as we came downhill. How she looked at the sun, unflinchingly. How she saw me through my heartbreak, unlike those who promised they’d stay but never did.
Deep in earth my love is lying
— Abhishek Joshi 👨💻🐶 (@kaalicharan) February 22, 2017
And I must weep alone. https://t.co/bVERmC59ZB
Unlike the world and worldly common sense, a dog’s happiness isn’t defined by square feet. Not measured in spoons or bowls but even a tennis ball is happiness. So often, she would come running and throw herself at the freshly mowed grass and if you happened to be sprawled on the lawn reading Bond or Bukowski, you’d feel her bear weight on your limbs or back. Ain’t no massage like that!
Over the seasons, her eyes turned from the honey shade to a cloudy vacuum and I could no longer see myself in them. No, she wasn’t blind but the signs were telling. Age and all the ailments it brings. Yet, she remained a hermit.
When you lose your dog, the one who has seen you mature (or not) from your childhood fancies, you lose the scale that pits you to reality and relevance. You lose the glue that bound everything for you.
And now I see her coal-black fur everywhere, as if looking for me- winter coats, books shelves, TV rack…maybe if I could just collect enough of it, Kaalicharan would come to life.
Kaali, I wish there was a secret frequency I could call you at and you’d come. But no matter how many times I give voice to your names— Kaalu, Kaali, Kaalicharan, please?… I know you’d never return. Your paws would not come dancing to where your lad stands now. Alone. In dead silence.
She always loved me, even when I didn’t deserve it. And she loved me more than I’ve ever managed to love myself.
I wish I could have been a better boy to the wonderful friend that she was. Pulled poles apart in this grist mill called life, I saw her way less than I should have. With choked tears as I think about her at this moment, I can smell her coffee bean breaths, her glistening black fur, like that of a stallion. My own private dire-wolf.
"We have a wild hope—if only we collect enough of them (dog hair), we will be able to put the dog back together again.”
— Abhishek Joshi 👨💻🐶 (@kaalicharan) December 21, 2020
-Lydia Davis https://t.co/bVERmC59ZB pic.twitter.com/DdeT82SdAh
Why do we always learn a little too late?
Love at the end of all things should be like this. Like how a dog loves you. You may be lost to the world’s design, little goals, planning that blueprint for life while standing patiently, the dog waits for nothing or no one but you.
I’m sorry Kaali, for all the vacations, I didn’t come home. For those lost chances where I could have slept beside you, putting your giant paw on me, the weight that always made me lite at heart.
As another stray gust of wind brings her fur, coiled like cotton candy, I know no vacuum cleaner can ever wipe her memory. Ever.
My goodness, I am saddened by this news, Abhishek. As you recount what’s lost and what goes on, I visualize exactly how the valleys look like, with the unbearable silence.
I am so very sorry for this loss… and yes, dogs never die.
Hugs!!
I have followed Kaalicharan quite closely, thanks to your large than life posts! Every single one of them has conveyed to me a deep association of not a dog and a man, but of two beings who were destined to be companions. And today, i attribute our association to this stellar being
I cannot express in words and i do not want to say anything, merely because my words will have no meaning and your sorrow will be no less. Like you said, the outside world moves on undaunted as if nothing ever happened and one is left to fend off the grief and angst, which is truly an uphill battle
But here’s what i should tell you, something so common that we share as individuals who have been blessed to have been loved by those dear and kindred souls; our lives have been better, happier and purposeful because of them. We have learnt compassion and kindness in their light. We have known what it means to be unconditional, in whatever small measure that we have been, and the world that we have been in, and will continue to inhabit, has been a better place because of them!
May those memories and times make you a more definitive and kind individual. May her love make you more purposeful and may you celebrate her life at all times. In the times to come, i know for certain that you will establish a home for destitute animals in this country. Let her memories be a beacon of hope to steer you forward in that direction and purpose
And yes, bears do not die, they only change form!
Takecare. He’ll will be always there in our hearts.
Rip kaalicharan
Dogs really teaches us what real love is.
I know. . I can feel it…The pain…its cutting.
I dont really understand what to write… my hands shivering…. i am literally sobbing… my dogs are worried why m i crying that bad… but u took me back to the memories of my two dogs, one with whom my childhood was spent, without him life is really difficult and the another one who has very recently passed away, he was a kid… just 4 years old… What i lost whenever I lost my
dog… I exactly know what this pain is… I am unable to control my emotions alongwith the tears.